Sometimes, I wonder

Sometimes, I wonder why I do what I do.
I wonder, if every task that bears my name,
Is worth the sacrifices that I make.

Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way they are.
Did God made them the way they are,
Or if their experiences have made them the individuals that they are.

Sometimes, I wonder how some like myself,
Can survive in a world filled with evil ways.
I wonder,  what  the powers above believed my role to be, when they sent me down here to be.

Sometimes, I wonder why all living being can’t get along.
Why, men fight over everything  big or small,
In a manner that makes no difference from the apes they evolved from.

Sometimes, I wonder if the earth would hit the sun,
Putting an end to what we have become.
I wonder, if the teachers and leaders we have left,
Can actually save the dark souls that we have become.

I wonder.

Sometimes, I wonder.

Anti-social?? Me??

Ramble  Ahead alert! A crib / self-analysis / thoughts about life post. 

Here is the thing, many a time I have been accused called anti-social. The reason behind this adjective to describe me is the fact that I only spend time with those I would want to or like to. If I feel some one is not worth my time and friendship, I usually don’t go out-of-the-way to socialize with them or please them. And if someone rubs me off the wrong way sometime, somewhere I will do everything to distance myself from them, even if they had been my closest friends. Yes! And I do take this far enough to ensure that I don’t even socialize much with friends of those who have hurt me!!

Every now and then I ponder about what made me this way and I can only summarize it using this one word: Experiences! Way back in school, I was the quint essential “dont-care” queen! I never really worried about what others thought about me. In my mind, I did nothing wrong and found no need to change myself for others. When I made friends, I gave my 100% but then not all people are created this way and I discovered this much to my dismay  early in life. The problem is that in spite of lessons learnt I still trusted folks only to discover that nobody helps you when you really need them or so that is probably natures way of punishing me for some bad karma accumulated from a previous birth!

How would anybody react in the following scenarios? Especially when you think of someone as your close friend? What happens when you are not even aware that what they think of you is probably not even on the same lines as what you think of them?? Some examples….this is just the tip of the ice berg..if I were to post about all my bad experiences I would fill a book!

  • High School – My best friend of 3 years just decided that she could gossip about me and my family to others in the class! All because she wanted to fit in with the  cool gang! When you are in high school such things impact you more than you think.

  • Senior High – The new girl who was hanging out with me from day 1, suddenly decided that she would do everything to make me look bad just because I started performing better than her in some subjects! And did I mention that she also wanted to fit in with the cool crowd cos my personality did not quite fit her IIT dreams, rich parents and beautiful hair ideas ! I had the last laugh though considering she did not even make it through round 1 of the IIT entrance exams!

  • College – A friend in college who always kept hanging around with me so much to the extent that she could copy me in almost everything, suddenly decided that she wanted to get out of my shadows[which I was glad about, cos she was getting annoying with the way she was replicating everything I did] and let me down when I was at my vulnerable best! This was when I had the misfortune of flunking an exam and she had the joy of announcing it to the whole world and also letting others know (incorrectly, of course) about how she was the one who always did all the project work and I did not really have much brains! Again, I [think] I had the last laugh but I am not going to explain that here….

I have never had any close friends after these two experiences because I cannot trust anyone!

  • 5 years ago – A friend I met in another country during my work stint out there invited me to her home and vowed that I had to stay with her and not in some rented accommodation!

“I stayed with you in your house when I came to Chennai for my visa interview” she said “

“The least I can do is be there for you in this foreign land, you should stay with us(her husband and 2 kids)” she insisted.

I thanked her politely and went about living my life in my rented accommodation as I don’t like imposing on anyone. Now, I had a crazy room-mate and things at the place where I was staying were getting out of hand. Living there had become a nightmare and I temporarily wanted to be somewhere else where I could clear my head. So I reached out to this lady, who listened to everything and immediately insisted that I should stay with her just like she had always wanted! Vulnerable and desperate for some peace of mind, I foolishly went and stayed with her.

I helped her with the chores around the house, I played with the kids and not for a moment was I the house guest that sat around without doing anything! Now, 2 weeks into my stay while I was still planning my next move, she made a statement about how I could not stay with her forever!! She who insisted that I should have never been in a rented acco in the first place was asking me to get out when she clearly understood the issues that I was facing and going through…..obviously I was shocked! Anyways, God helped me work things out and the very next day I told her I was leaving. She realized what she had done and tried to make up but then what was done was done….I was out and vowed to never stay with her or anyone again!! She still tried to keep in touch and I also politely respond but then nothing can ever make my change my mind about her again! She let me down during the toughest phase of my life and I can’t forget such things. Lesson learnt – don’t take anything that people say at face value cos nobody means what they say and they probably say such things to just make themselves look good!

  • Last month – I reached out to a couple of friends requesting for some information withe regards to a certain decision that would change my life. These friends and me –we were quite a group when we were together! We did trips, lunches, stay overs and all the good things that you can think of when I led the happening single life. I have managed to remain in touch post my marriage and a relocation and the only time I fell off the “Keep in touch” wagon was after the birth of my child when I didn’t even have time to eat or bathe leave alone getting online!

Now, I needed some advice and so I emailed these folks, sharing with them the important changes in my life and waited for a response – none received! Thinking that they didn’t receive my email and I messaged them on FB – they are super active there with the constant updates and photo posting so I thought that they could not miss this! Well, well, the FB status messages continued but no response to my email. I seem to be at the receiving end of some cold treatment and I have no idea why….. It has been more than a week without any responses! It was a slap on my face when someone reminded me about how I had been boasting that these guys were my good friends and would help me out whenever I need help and here they were not even responding to me when I really needed that damn info! Lesson learnt once again – you cannot depend on anybody and beware before you go around calling people your good friends

I think I will stop rambling now! Not even sure why I have written about this – but finally it is out of my system. All of this only reiterates that whatever I do with regards to trusting and treating people the right way is right! I will spend time and give myself only to those who I think are the worth my time and effort….everyone else can come and go! I am not saying that I will ignore them, but then I would never go out of my way to do anything for them. If it means going to a party at their house, when I feel like reading a book, I will read the book! You still think I am anti-social?

If Chennai was human……….

Publishing this post that I started writing for a contest..But I never finished it so did not submit it 😦  Well the idea was to humanify the city where you live and write a fictional tale featuring this person! Unfortunately for me, I did not read the instructions properly and thought that the contest was just about describing the city as a human and not creating a story around it! **Face palm** This sort of behavior has become typical of me since having a baby and thinking about the baby 24*7 🙂

Anyways I realized this a few days before the contest ended but never got anywhere with the story because I just couldn’t come up with one! Seems I am blocked[my mind that is] as usual. So I have decided that going forward I will write as much as I can and keep posting it out here. I will write about various subjects..the idea is to just keep writing! Apologies in advance if any of you following this blog find this a tad boring, considering that this space predominantly had only book reviews and art and not so much other aspects of my life or life around me ; in other words the blog doesn’t really seem muddled up but very organized and that hardly describes my dreams or thoughts or the struggle between my reality and my dreams! Know what I mean?. But I hope you continue to stop here every now and then and even drop a line for me about what you think.

Cutting to the subject of my post, here is what I came up with. Any thoughts??

If the city of Chennai were human, he would be an average middle age citizen suffering from a multiple personality disorder! He would perform his prayers in the morning in the most pious manner, tuck into his curd rice and pickle with great zeal, while chilling out with friends at a pub over pints of beer, chicken wings and cigarettes on Saturday evenings. He could be a dad to two young kids, but will try to fit himself into his college jeans while going out so like “Kollywoods” popular matinee idols. Did I mention that he would never loose an opportunity to play street cricket?

In most cases he would expect that his wife and his friends wives to be dressed modestly and demurely and act homely while also appreciating the actresses on TV that look haute and ogle and flirt with the girls that look chic like the states politicians! He’d be a star amongst his friends, give great personal and professional ideas and suggestions but would analyze the idea to the last bit before implementing the same in his life. He would have no qualms about talking on the phone while driving or jumping that red light but will play the role of an innocent when pulled over by a cop and actually get away with it.

He would go through phases where he would make plans of giving up his mundane and monotonous existence to change the world and make difference and give back to society before going back to his mundane existence in a matter of few minutes like the crowds of professionals that throng the IT corridors and other posh office complexes, cussing the burgeoning traffic monster using the choicest words of the local slang, while smoothly switching over to English in a fake and ever ready to please accent as they release the mute feature on their fancy phones to participate in important conference calls and take decisions that could impact the industries of other nations.

In 9 out of 10 cases, the said citizen would be living in a joint family where an average day would begin with idlis, “Modern” bread and cereals competing at the breakfast table and end with a fight over what to watch on TV while the dinner table is filled with food, mostly rice and the relevant accompaniments with the occasional noodles or pasta. The chances of any dinner time conversations (that he would not be interested in, anyway) would be virtually impossible as the family focuses on the TV and begins the saga of fighting for the control of the remote. His life would be pretty similar to the soap that the oldies would want to watch, while his children fight for the cartoon network, his wife for the food network while he would prefer ESPN!

In the midst of all this, he would try to remain zen and plonk down with his laptop. His ability to multitask as he tries to appease his wife for not eating her lasagna while he wolfs down his mothers sambar, responds to work and personal emails, takes telephone calls while also managing to watch ESPN in the midst of dinner time craziness. All of this can only be paralleled by his ability to delegate any task that he may not be interested in doing, which is pretty much everything as he sits back and observes the madness like a traffic cop!

If a psychiatrist were to diagnose this person, they would be stunned by the ability of this person to manage so many roles, go through multiple emotions and manage each every face of his personality in a way that it does not interfere with his normal life. Folks, streaming in from the other parts of the country would worry or even look down upon him and his perceived orthodox ways before they try to be friends with him and soon find themselves falling for his ways. Then they would understand that his personality is nothing short of the famed “Hotel California” where one could check in but never leave! You would love to hate him, maybe even hate him, but would have trouble leaving him…..