Ramble Ahead alert! A crib / self-analysis / thoughts about life post.
Here is the thing, many a time I have been
accused called anti-social. The reason behind this adjective to describe me is the fact that I only spend time with those I would want to or like to. If I feel some one is not worth my time and friendship, I usually don’t go out-of-the-way to socialize with them or please them. And if someone rubs me off the wrong way sometime, somewhere I will do everything to distance myself from them, even if they had been my closest friends. Yes! And I do take this far enough to ensure that I don’t even socialize much with friends of those who have hurt me!!
Every now and then I ponder about what made me this way and I can only summarize it using this one word: Experiences! Way back in school, I was the quint essential “dont-care” queen! I never really worried about what others thought about me. In my mind, I did nothing wrong and found no need to change myself for others. When I made friends, I gave my 100% but then not all people are created this way and I discovered this much to my dismay early in life. The problem is that in spite of lessons learnt I still trusted folks only to discover that nobody helps you when you really need them or so that is probably natures way of punishing me for some bad karma accumulated from a previous birth!
How would anybody react in the following scenarios? Especially when you think of someone as your close friend? What happens when you are not even aware that what they think of you is probably not even on the same lines as what you think of them?? Some examples….this is just the tip of the ice berg..if I were to post about all my bad experiences I would fill a book!
High School – My best friend of 3 years just decided that she could gossip about me and my family to others in the class! All because she wanted to fit in with the cool gang! When you are in high school such things impact you more than you think.
Senior High – The new girl who was hanging out with me from day 1, suddenly decided that she would do everything to make me look bad just because I started performing better than her in some subjects! And did I mention that she also wanted to fit in with the cool crowd cos my personality did not quite fit her IIT dreams, rich parents and beautiful hair ideas ! I had the last laugh though considering she did not even make it through round 1 of the IIT entrance exams!
- College – A friend in college who always kept hanging around with me so much to the extent that she could copy me in almost everything, suddenly decided that she wanted to get out of my shadows[which I was glad about, cos she was getting annoying with the way she was replicating everything I did] and let me down when I was at my vulnerable best! This was when I had the misfortune of flunking an exam and she had the joy of announcing it to the whole world and also letting others know (incorrectly, of course) about how she was the one who always did all the project work and I did not really have much brains! Again, I [think] I had the last laugh but I am not going to explain that here….
I have never had any close friends after these two experiences because I cannot trust anyone!
- 5 years ago – A friend I met in another country during my work stint out there invited me to her home and vowed that I had to stay with her and not in some rented accommodation!
“I stayed with you in your house when I came to Chennai for my visa interview” she said “
“The least I can do is be there for you in this foreign land, you should stay with us(her husband and 2 kids)” she insisted.
I thanked her politely and went about living my life in my rented accommodation as I don’t like imposing on anyone. Now, I had a crazy room-mate and things at the place where I was staying were getting out of hand. Living there had become a nightmare and I temporarily wanted to be somewhere else where I could clear my head. So I reached out to this lady, who listened to everything and immediately insisted that I should stay with her just like she had always wanted! Vulnerable and desperate for some peace of mind, I foolishly went and stayed with her.
I helped her with the chores around the house, I played with the kids and not for a moment was I the house guest that sat around without doing anything! Now, 2 weeks into my stay while I was still planning my next move, she made a statement about how I could not stay with her forever!! She who insisted that I should have never been in a rented acco in the first place was asking me to get out when she clearly understood the issues that I was facing and going through…..obviously I was shocked! Anyways, God helped me work things out and the very next day I told her I was leaving. She realized what she had done and tried to make up but then what was done was done….I was out and vowed to never stay with her or anyone again!! She still tried to keep in touch and I also politely respond but then nothing can ever make my change my mind about her again! She let me down during the toughest phase of my life and I can’t forget such things. Lesson learnt – don’t take anything that people say at face value cos nobody means what they say and they probably say such things to just make themselves look good!
- Last month – I reached out to a couple of friends requesting for some information withe regards to a certain decision that would change my life. These friends and me –we were quite a group when we were together! We did trips, lunches, stay overs and all the good things that you can think of when I led the happening single life. I have managed to remain in touch post my marriage and a relocation and the only time I fell off the “Keep in touch” wagon was after the birth of my child when I didn’t even have time to eat or bathe leave alone getting online!
Now, I needed some advice and so I emailed these folks, sharing with them the important changes in my life and waited for a response – none received! Thinking that they didn’t receive my email and I messaged them on FB – they are super active there with the constant updates and photo posting so I thought that they could not miss this! Well, well, the FB status messages continued but no response to my email. I seem to be at the receiving end of some cold treatment and I have no idea why….. It has been more than a week without any responses! It was a slap on my face when someone reminded me about how I had been boasting that these guys were my good friends and would help me out whenever I need help and here they were not even responding to me when I really needed that damn info! Lesson learnt once again – you cannot depend on anybody and beware before you go around calling people your good friends
I think I will stop rambling now! Not even sure why I have written about this – but finally it is out of my system. All of this only reiterates that whatever I do with regards to trusting and treating people the right way is right! I will spend time and give myself only to those who I think are the worth my time and effort….everyone else can come and go! I am not saying that I will ignore them, but then I would never go out of my way to do anything for them. If it means going to a party at their house, when I feel like reading a book, I will read the book! You still think I am anti-social?